I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
