I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Oh god it's open bar.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
