you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
