Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
