my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
