i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm really busy with my period
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