If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
