so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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