I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
