I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
