His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
