The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
