I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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