I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
