So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
