I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
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