I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
