last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
