Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
