i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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