I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
