Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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