Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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