Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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