What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Boobs are out for the taking
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
