Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
