I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
