I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
