Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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