bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
