i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
