if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
