she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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