Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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