i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
