so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
