did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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