I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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