Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
