Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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