i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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