i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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