Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
