Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
