I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
