I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Welp...herpes.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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