i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
