Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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