Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
