dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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