Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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