He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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