Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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