I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
