She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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