she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm too high and old for this...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
