He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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