his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
