Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
