apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
